Monday, January 9, 2012

Feelings to Share

I have a journal that I started a few years ago. I didn't write much. Writing about what I was feeling was wierd. I didn't like seeing, hearing, or feeling the words that I was writing on the page. But I have re-read one of the entries and I wanted to share. I'm sharing because it made me feel strong and secure and hopeful. I know that struggles are a part of life and I feel like sharing the random thoughts during my sadness may help someone who is feeling sorrow....

I titled it "Not Sorrowing as Others"

There are no simple words that can quantify or identify thge grief and internal mourning I feel. Once you are drowning in the uncontrollable sadness with an inevitable unfortunate end, you begin to notice things that you have probably overlooked.

No on is ever ready for that phone call...or in our case the string of never ending phone calls that are delivered with tears...two years of them....Doesn't that sound exhausting? It has become what we know. And although he has continued to deteriorate, I still am never quite ready for that phone call...or that sadness...or my own tears that I just can't seem to control. After all, I am super duper tuff. Absolutely in control of my emotions and feelins...I thought if I wrote that I would feel that way, nope...

The He is my dad. Tommy Ray Ellis. He is larger than life and I am like him in so many ways. He is 56 years old and probably will not make it to 57. (((By the way he did make it to 57...he was in charge until the end...wonder where I got that from!?!?!?!)))

My children will never remember this huge man and the joy that he spreads to those around him. They will not remember that his is 6'6''. Or that he weighed 300 pounds. Or that he could tell the best and craziest true life stories. Or that he once could do things for himself. He rarely chose to do things for himself (like get his own glass of tea) but he could.

I suppose that these things will ease the transition for them once he is gone or maybe I just keep telling myself that it is better that was larger than life, then suddenly gone. There is a lot of stuff like that. Justifications for the feelings and thoughts that I am just not quite sure are appropriate or even okay to admit that I have or feel.

Daddy and the Kids in 2008

......That's all of the entry I want to share. Here's dad went to heaven and just the right time. It was not a surprise to my heavenly father. He knew when dad would be ready and when our family would be ready. Readier than I think we knew we could be. My hopelessness was not a factor when Dad went to Heaven. We have felt a loss but we do not sorrow as others. We  have a hope and our future is secure. Absolutely secured through Christ Jesus.

So, my Larger than life Dad went to heaven in October. Wednesdays are still hard, but I don't keep up with what week it is any more. I thought I would count the weeks that went by as if somehow keeping up made me a better daughter. I could count back and figure it out. But I don't feel like I have to today.

The last time I counted and reflected on the number of weeks was at Christmas. It's a new year. We are so very blessed by my heavenly father. My children have adapted and we continue to talk about Toot Toot and his awesome trip to heaven. We always will.

For those of you that were worried that I haven't talked about my ya go!
Take time to enjoy your joy each day!...That's my new motto that I copied from facebook. *Originality is overrated!

Blessings and Joy.

No comments:

Post a Comment