Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Nothing for April...but for May?

Do you ever feel like you run out of time for the day or the week or the month? I feel like I am constantly planing things in my little head that fall through or disappear (in my little head)!

I could swear to you that I blogged several times during April. I just knew that I had used my new fancy phone app and that I blogged about my life, nope...or maybe I thought about blogging about my life at home because my phone pictures are blurry. Of course that would require that I turn on my computer at home, which seems like a tremendously difficult task considering the fact that I sit in front of a computer ALL day at work! I just can't make myself sit at another desk. Not when there is such quality programming on after my children stop fighting and get to sleep!

If you know me, you probably know that life has been extraordinarily difficult in the last few months. If you don't know me, you might want to click the button at the top of the screen for the next blog. Or go to some of my favorites...Amber's Blog  Kate's Blog  Jo's Blog  Jana's Blog ....there are so many.

(you ready?)

Our family has been facing some extreme times. Extreme highs and extreme lows...and they are exhausting. My dad had a stroke 2 years ago. He will be 57 on Sunday. It was a pretty bad one. He is paralyzed on his left side. It is not fun to talk about.

In August of last year my dad was put on hospice because his cardiac output was under 20%. To me this means that 20% of his heart works. He has a fibrillator from his heart attack he had about 10 years ago. We've known that his heart was weak. We knew he was getting weaker. I think I knew it. Sometimes it is hard to remember what I know or think or feel and how long it has been that way. The "blah-ness" of it seems to mush together in the toilet of life. (gross)

So we didn't think he would be here at Thanksgiving....but Granddad wasn't supposed to be either and he made it through two....Then we were kinda worried about Christmas....then we were told in January that he had a week to live..he was still with us in February...then in March my brother got married.....then in April he went to hospice....then we were told he was in kidney failure (Monday) and would be in a coma by Thursday and in Heaven by Monday....then the following Tuesday (yes, one day after he was going to be in Heaven) they decided to send him home because (in my opinion...) he wasn't dying fast enough.

Now we are in May....Dad's birthday is upon us. (*And AUNT JO's by the way...Happy Birthday beautiful! Lucinda Rocks!) And it seems to me that we are still sprialing in the same circumstances of life that feel like they are trying to pull us under. And I just don't know what I am supposed to do with it. And I just don't know how I am supposed to feel about it.

Part of the difficulties I have experienced is understanding who he is or what he knows. I know that part of him left with the stroke. I forget that things are not the same because he is still sitting in the chair in his underwear covered with a blanket when guests arrive...just like in high school.

But now he is in a hospital bed.
But now he doesn't have the same sense of humor he had before.
But now he isn't the same and he can't do things for himself (instead of just not wanting to because mom would).
But now I have children that are going to grow up having faded memories of this man that was larger than life.

And I just don't know what's next.

Do you ever feel like you run out of time for the day or the week or the month?

But in the midst of it all....I am still praising HIM for who he always is...and will continue to be!


  1. I am so proud of you and your wandering/wondering self! In the midst of losing all that we've lost, You've found that the most important thing is to live in the moment of now and never forget that "HE is, HE was and HE always will be!" and that will never change!

  2. Great Post, Tiff! Love you.