Feelings to Share

I have a journal that I started a few years ago. I didn't write much. Writing about what I was feeling was wierd. I didn't like seeing, hearing, or feeling the words that I was writing on the page. But I have re-read one of the entries and I wanted to share. I'm sharing because it made me feel strong and secure and hopeful. I know that struggles are a part of life and I feel like sharing the random thoughts during my sadness may help someone who is feeling sorrow....

I titled it "Not Sorrowing as Others"

There are no simple words that can quantify or identify thge grief and internal mourning I feel. Once you are drowning in the uncontrollable sadness with an inevitable unfortunate end, you begin to notice things that you have probably overlooked.

No on is ever ready for that phone call...or in our case the string of never ending phone calls that are delivered with tears...two years of them....Doesn't that sound exhausting? It has become what we know. And although he has continued to deteriorate, I still am never quite ready for that phone call...or that sadness...or my own tears that I just can't seem to control. After all, I am super duper tuff. Absolutely in control of my emotions and feelins...I thought if I wrote that I would feel that way, nope...

The He is my dad. Tommy Ray Ellis. He is larger than life and I am like him in so many ways. He is 56 years old and probably will not make it to 57. (((By the way he did make it to 57...he was in charge until the end...wonder where I got that from!?!?!?!)))

My children will never remember this huge man and the joy that he spreads to those around him. They will not remember that his is 6'6''. Or that he weighed 300 pounds. Or that he could tell the best and craziest true life stories. Or that he once could do things for himself. He rarely chose to do things for himself (like get his own glass of tea) but he could.

I suppose that these things will ease the transition for them once he is gone or maybe I just keep telling myself that it is better that was larger than life, then suddenly gone. There is a lot of stuff like that. Justifications for the feelings and thoughts that I am just not quite sure are appropriate or even okay to admit that I have or feel.

Daddy and the Kids in 2008

......That's all of the entry I want to share. Here's why...my dad went to heaven and just the right time. It was not a surprise to my heavenly father. He knew when dad would be ready and when our family would be ready. Readier than I think we knew we could be. My hopelessness was not a factor when Dad went to Heaven. We have felt a loss but we do not sorrow as others. We  have a hope and our future is secure. Absolutely secured through Christ Jesus.

So, my Larger than life Dad went to heaven in October. Wednesdays are still hard, but I don't keep up with what week it is any more. I thought I would count the weeks that went by as if somehow keeping up made me a better daughter. I could count back and figure it out. But I don't feel like I have to today.

The last time I counted and reflected on the number of weeks was at Christmas. It's a new year. We are so very blessed by my heavenly father. My children have adapted and we continue to talk about Toot Toot and his awesome trip to heaven. We always will.

For those of you that were worried that I haven't talked about my dad...here ya go!
Take time to enjoy your joy each day!...That's my new motto that I copied from facebook. *Originality is overrated!

Blessings and Joy.
Tiff

Pictures to Share

Santa brought our family a camera. I'm pretty sure she (Santa...momma) wanted it to inspire me to blog more. I'm sure I have good intentions to do just that...eventually. Until then, I'll share pictures of our Christmas and New Year fun.

We LOVE to dance!!

Liar's Dice

I don't think she was winning!

 Merry Christmas

Sister has enjoyed posing for the new camera.

Michael is playing basketball again this year.

New Year's BON FIRE

 We are so blessed.

So, 2011 was a little rough. But God has provided and we were able to celebrate the holidays with joy.
Blessings and Joy in the New Year.
Tiff

Homework stinks!!

This is how the hour and a half after school played out at the Lewis home today.

Sit in the car line for 25 minutes. (I don't actually mind this part because I have started a bible study podcast that I listen to during my drive to and from mom's each day.)

Get the kids in the car.

1st fight before seatbelts are on! (on who is getting in first)

2nd fight before we are out of the parking lot! ("no we are not going to Chuck-e-cheese tonight")

On to the Gresham Barn Sale because I don't think things through sometimes. (but got a few more Christmas presents. Yay!)

On the 17th NO, I think he finally realized I mean't no. Bought them a cookie...which Michael broke and switched as I was paying...back in the barn to pay for the cookie we walked out with. Please note: the "no" was not in reference to a cookie.

Home again. Home again. Ding-a-ding ding!

3rd fight before we got out of the car in the driveway (see fight 2).

4th fight because I left the scissors on the counter and Michael screamed at Katelynn for not putting them up where they belong and being responsible...huh...moving on. Don't dwell. ( I'm responsible for other things. Like homework) (see below) (insert sarcasm font)

5th fight (a repeat of fights 2 and 3). "No we are not going chuck-e-cheese. I don't care if your friends are going to be waiting for you AND if you ask again we will NEVER go back to chuck-e-cheese!"

On to homework. Ugh! I hate homework! We should get to play after school!!

Here is a list of words Katelynn refuses to learn because they are "too hawd and bowing and I hate sentences!"

Have

By

Or

These words are just too dang hard. She wants me to te her the answer and gets mad when I don't give in. (this is a genetic problem much like the ghetto booty she inherited from me. Poor kid. )

Nevermind that this is the 3rd day we have done them and she has done fine the other two days.

Nevermind that she JUST pronounced "by" but it's too "hawd" to remember.

Nevermind that there are 12 words and we can't get through the first 3.

So I made her go to her room because she was losing it. Good parenting 101: Give up when frustrated instead of patiently teaching your children. (I think that's the definition of a Proverbs 31 woman....sarcasm font here).

I am so glad I am not a teacher.

But our HOUR ends well... Katelynn came back out of her room and we made it through the words more successfully than yesterday. And now they are in their happy place.


In front of the tv. Good parenting 102!

May your days of trials and battles feel victorious by the end and provide a joy for the responsibilities we have been given.

Blessing and joy to you today...going to break up fight #6!

Tiff

Sisterism for today

Enjoy!

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Memories and memory making

(you may find it interesting to note that mid-post sister marched off and i found myself in a different "place" than when the post post started)

Some days are lazy and wonderful. And full of sister giggles.


We are spending the afternoon in the art trailer again. My second favorite place. It's a glamorous place for making messes and memories. Don't worry...I'm still not ready to say anything sad. Atleast not this post.



We use the plethora of pens and papers I have collected over the years. Seriously...years! I have crayons from high school! (smelly ones like scratch and sniff). This picture doesn't even begin to show you our art madness, but it shoes our art joy!



One of the boxes I have to use is a collection of cards and letters and pictures I have received over the years. Most are from my college years.


It's fun to read the old letters and let my kids make "beautiful" things from beautiful people in my life. Memories even from childhood...


Yes mom, they still smell like strawberries. And caused a huge fight this evening. (so much for art joy).



I find it amazing that something that started so fun can turn so ugly so quickly. My children are growing and learning and trying to figure out who they are going to be in this world. This includes pushing limits and mom's buttons.

It amazes me the number of times I say "no" in a two hour period before dad gets home. An it's during this time that I feel the most inadequate and frustrated.

And then the frustration passes and we find Joy again.


Joy and laughter have been very important to me these last 27 days. And God has been faithful all 27 days.

Dearest Savior,
If I keep praying for patience, do I get credit when I forget to practice it with these beautiful, challenging children you have blessed me with? Thank you for being so faithful to me an my family. Thank you for blessing us with amazing friends that care for our hearts. May we turn to you for refuge during the storms of life and find joy in the midst of the storm. Thank you for a daddy that taught us the importance of laughter and a good joke!

Forever praising Him (even if there are a few challenging tears...you know the salty substance that even we tuff-ies find on our face sometimes)!

Tiff









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Not Ready

Today marks the third week that my family has been without our Daddy. And I am just not ready to blog about it. I'm not particularly sad, I don't think. But my sister has posted some wonderful pictures of daddy and expressed gratitude in a way that I just can't yet.

Please see Amber's blog.....www.heleekalesmom.blogspot.com

Soon I'll be ready and will have so much to say.

Tiff

The Lewis Upcycle.

Is that the right word? Upcycle? Recycling something you have to make something new?

I re-upcycled (made up my own word) a red poodle skirt I made last year....




And used the red felt for Captain Underpants' cape.




This is for Michael's pumpkin decorating contest at school. The only thing I did was cut the cape and help hold the underwear on.

See, the Lewis family is always thinking about the earth. I wonder if this needs to be put on pinterest? Ha!

We are hanging out in the art trailer this afternoon. One of my favorite places to play with the kids.

Praising Him for creative children and upcycled felt!

Tiff

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